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2005-04-19 19:53:27 (link)
What has two thumbs and is now the Pope? THIS GUY!

Today, the College of Cardinals elected Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to become the next Pope. As Pope Benedict XVI, the elderly German is well-known for being a staunch conservative within the Church’s hierarchy, holding down the role as Head of Doctrine for almost two decades. While some Catholics are concerned with his inflexible views, many fail to know the real Joseph Ratzinger, a man who can connect to Catholics of all walks of life. Allow me to bullet-point some things he has done in the past, as highlighted by his recent memoir, Give Me the Damn Papacy!

- Arrested outside a David Hasselhoff concert in Munich after threatening to excommunicate the security detail if he wasn’t allowed on stage.

- Crashed the popemobile into a Des Moines cornfield after being told that J.R. was shot.

- Formed Bel Biv Devoe

- Twelve inches…around. Think about it.

- Shot 50 Cent nine times in the head.

- Although adamant in his celibacy, once spent an entire weekend at Studio 54 with Martin Scorcese, Mick Jagger and David Bowie.

- Played his “Folsom Prison Blues” backwards once. Subsequently, killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

- Invented Snapple.

- Punched out Lou Reed at Andy Worhol’s studio over an alleged comment that Nico preferred “American hot dogs” over “German sausages”.

- Won the Stearns County, MN “Pie-eating Contest” in 1965.

- Has cut five albums from 1979 to 2004. The last one earned him 4.8 rating by after Ryan Schreiber saw him collaborate with Ryan Adams on a duet in Chicago.

- Once ordered a copy of The Book of Mormon, “just to see what it’s all about”.

- Was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

- Won a break dancing competition in 1983, thus saving the Youth Rec Center from the greedy hands of rich developer, Wilmington Q. Finchmeyer IV.

- Signed onto a Greenpeace boat. Scuttled said boat.

- Is also known as the “Dean of the Keg” amongst the College of Cardinals.

- Can do that thing where he can smoke a cigarette, tuck it into his mouth, and pull it out again and smoke some more.

- Did some films for Jackie Treehorn as Karl Hungus’ older brother who fixes the computers, Klaus Hungus.

- Once ate a bear to prove his virility.

- Was an exec at Matador records from 1993 to 1996.

- Wrote “The Thong Song”.

- Stood in front of the tank in Tienamen Square in 1989.

- Cited as an influence of Joy Division.

- Can eat three pretzel rods in one minute.

- Once killed two birds with the same stone.

- Was cast to play the lead in Ray until Jamie Foxx auditioned and rocked their world.

- Once argued for increased wages for the world’s poor by proclaiming, “Because a nigga can’t shine on $3.65.”

- Employee of the Month, Victoria’s Secret of Omaha (July 1999).

by Mike Jones


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