WHO IS MIKE JONES? WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK?
2005-07-13 07:50:10 (link)
Or the more aptly titled: An open letter to anyone who runs pop culture into the ground with their stupidity
Michael: From the Hebrew name Miyka'el which meant "who is like God?"
Jones: A Welsh patronymic name meaning "son of John (God has favored or gift of God)."
I’ve never been ashamed of my moniker. As generic as it is, sooner or later I expect my name will go to weird, fascinating and embarrassing places. Mike Jones won the Super Bowl for the St. Louis Rams in 2000. Mike Jones is a promising pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers’ farm system. Mike Jones is the Microsoft Director of Distributed Systems Customer Strategy and Evangelism . Mike Jones runs an auction house in Texas. Mike Jones is a solo jazz pianist. Mike Jones is also a sportswriter for the Dallas-Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
So how did Mike Jones, the Houston-based rapper, make me want to change my name.
Because of you.
“Me?” you ask. Yes, you. You and your fucking insistence on regaling me with your insipid “Mike Jones! Who’s Mike Jones? Who’s Mike Jones?” Every time I call you, IM you or shake your hand. Oh, you think it’s funny and cute to ask me about my ringtones or whether or not I’m still “tippin’”. Well that’s just fucking hilarious. That is soooooooooo funny. Because, you know, we have the same first and last name. And by playing off what the rapper says and does, you transfer his personality to me and my actions. Which is, you know, hilarious.
You laugh at the way Bob and Bob connect Michael Bolton (soft rocker) to Michael Bolton (Initech employee) in Office Space, but guess what? It actually happens! Do you realize how many people have asked to see my teeth since that fucker blew up? With all sincerity in their (and by “their” and I mean ALL of you) hearts, they honestly believe I have his album.! That I play it incessantly on my computer and mimic his every move because we share the same name as thousands of people in America. Well I don’t. I’ve listened to his album once and it was…well, boring. But you all seem to insist that this is still funny.
Well let me make it clear: The joke is over. File it with “I’m Rick James Bitch!” and “Did I do that?” as catchphrases that have come and gone. Why is it over? Because 50 year-old secretaries know Mike Jones. Wanna know how I know?
True Story Me: “I’m Mike Jones, and I’m here to pick up my paycheck.”
Middle-aged white Soccer Mom Secretary: “Before I give you this check Mike, may I ask you something?”
Middle-aged white Soccer Mom Secretary: “ARE YOU STILL TIPPIN’ NIGGA?!”
So for all of you who still insist on using my name for personal amusement, go right ahead. You are now in the same comedic league as Jeanie from Sun Prairie.
by Mike Jones
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