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2005-05-16 19:52:02 (link)
Terror Begins at a Wells Fargo Branch

Usually monetary transactions don't make me weep, save for when I see my online bank statement reading "GENERAL TRANSACTION" for the amount of $19.95 and I know that it was for lesbianapartment.com whether or not Wells Fargo does. But yesterday, I was making a deposit in the drive-thru ATM when the sedan in front of me sported two stickers. One was the "Support Our Troops" ribbon, and the other read "Eagan Wildcats", as in the hometown high school team. However, "Eagan Wildcats" was also in ribbon form, with a blue and white design instead of the "troops" yellow.

I don't know what came over me, but according to the police report, I slammed the Dodge Neon from behind with repeated thrusts. Not only that, but I was screaming "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS" over and over again. In case you forgot, that's was John Wilkes Booth cried out after he shot President Lincoln in the noggin'. It literally means, "Thus always with tyrants!" And while I usually try not to repeat phrases uttered by true sons of the South, it found it wholly appropriate at that juncture.

The most annoying aspect about post-war America is that the general citizenry becomes insecure with their patriotism. On September 10, 2001, my guess is that your average suburban housewife didn't need a colorful magnet on her car to prove she was proud of being an American. Since then, the list of "patriotic" gestures have included:

- Listening to jingoists spew xenophobic taunts disguised as "true country music"

- Yellow stickers where a small portion of the sales actually go to anyone associated with the military.

- Referring to anyone that disagrees with pre-emptive strikes as "cowardly" or "unpatriotic"

It's not surprising really. Nationalism is naturally stronger when a state goes to war. But in the past, that nationalism was usually in the form of buying war bonds, throwing USO shows or donating materials for military use. Nowadays, patriotism has this sort of exchange:

Customer: "Gimme a pack of Marlboro Reds, the new Barely Legal and a Caramelo...Hey, what's that?"

Cashier: "Oh, a 'Support Our Troops' ribbon. The true mark of a patriot goes for only $2.99."

Customer: "Well, shit. I'm a patriot. Gotta take care of 'dem ragheads o'er there."

Cashier: "Well, I'm an Iranian-American. But I'll let that slur slide if you buy the sticker."

So now those of us who do not sport the sticker are seen as unpatriotic. Which is funny, as I am a member of the Sons of the American Legion, I've volunteered at the VA and I wrote a column a few years ago hoping that the soldiers come home safely. But if I publicly rolled my eyes at the sight of a yellow sticker, the armchair Ann Coulters of the world would demand that this was America, and I need to "Love it or leave it!"

Perhaps I'm a bit too harsh on the Dodge Neon lady. Maybe I should look at the positive of this. Maybe the lesson I should learn about the "Wilcats" sticker is that many Americans are suckers for anything in ribbon or bracelet form.

So today, I suggest a "Support our Whores" bumper ribbon along with "FUCK STRONG" bracelets in bright yellow rubber. Honestly, if you are not in favor of our streetwalkers, you are against the freedom to exchange money for sexual favors. And the limit of money exchange runs contrary to why our nation was founded. And if you support views which oppose our American roots, then you hate freedom. And that, my friend, makes you a terrorist.

God bless America.

God bless our freedom.

God bless fucking.

by Mike Jones


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